Category: Uncategorized

what makes me sad if im being honest

following on from previous post:
I suppose i might as well be honest.. Iv suffered with an eating disorder for half my life.. My mother knows this and still throws this at me in a way to make me feel shit.. ” oh your always hugnry” ” your pretty fat it wont hurt you to wait for abit”

i cant cope with this shit. Like now, im hungry and shes been cooking a 30 min meal for 2 hours for fuck sake and when i dare say how long will it ( baring in to mind its almost 11pm and i have to work at 6 am) i get the worlds biggest shit. My so called partner sits with her and laughs at her awful digs and shit towards me.

I cant take much more of this. I really fucking cant. I hate it here. i hate everything about this life. fuck sake.. why do i have to have the devil reincarnated for a mother.

I nneed to be rid of him and her. ( partner and mother)

Drunk

I am now drunk and putting up with my mothers shit. The pure crap that come out this womans mouth is unreal. I literally want to hang myself whilst listening to this. She hates me, i hate her. It is pure torture.. I would love nothing more than to hear i am adopted. She cant even stand within a feet of me without making me shivering in disgust. She is literally my worst nightmare, she makes me sick. Spending this time with her makes me want to kill myself. Is there anyone else out there that feels this way towards their birth mother. I cant even pretend to be normal around this soul sucking cunt. Yes cunt is a bad word but its the only way to describe this piece of shit. I am bound with this curse of having her as a parent. My dad is not quite as bad but is a suicidal non existent cunt too.
All the health professionals i have seen before tell me this is a huge contributing factor within my issues in life.. i say i just must have
i must of drew the short straw.

And just to add.. i dont want any parents at all.

People interest me..

I just drove through my nearest town just to get out for a while and clear my head and i realized that people just interest me. Like what is going on in their lives, their head and their hearts. Like are these people that are smiling really happy? Do they enjoy work? Their relationships? Their lives? Are they dark and twisty inside but just hide it well? Id love to swap lives with somebody just for a day just to know how they think, what makes them tick. Ect.. We as humans are just interesting, we are all so different yet the same. I am aware i overthink everything way to much.

Am i utterly alone in these thoughts? Maybe…

guilt and regret.

It would appear i drank way too much last night and told my partner that i no longer love him. Unfortunately this is partly true and has been for a while. I feel guilty for telling him in this manner although he does not seem to think i meant it.
I can be such a bitch at times. But i suppose im nearing my boiling point with him where i just cant put up with his shit on top of my own. I dont really know how to approach this with him when im sober, but i guess its something that needs to be addressed and pretty soon.
Im most definitely having a down day today, My anxiety is through the roof. I feel tired beyond words and im stressed about things that i do not even know what they are. Ahhhh i love being inside my head. Its just one big crazy twisted place.
i suppose i should be used to it by now. just a cold hearted dark bitch me.

Another day

Good morning!
Struggling to find the motivation to do everything i need to do today. Trying to be positive and happy. Hoping everyone who reads this has a better day than yesterday.
🙂 I have decided to consider counseling for my issues. If anyone can offer any advice as to whether it has worked for them ect. Please hit me up.

xx

Introduction

Hi, as im sure you can guess – my name is not actually Star… but we shall go with Star on here to protect my privacy.

I suppose i have created this site as an escape from my day to day life. I had a difficult traumatic childhood but as far as everyone around me is aware i overcame that and am now your average working, vodka loving mum and partner. I live in the middle of a lovely village in the UK and have plenty of friends and family around me. But sadly i still feel very much alone. I know there must be plenty of other people out there that have a story to tell.  I still struggle with alot of feelings of hate and resentment towards my child hood and i have no one to talk to.

I know i am a survivor but sometimes i dont  feel like one.

Please anyone and everyone who wants to talk.. hit me up.